You heard me! What's the deal with Disney Princes??!
Alright, don't get me wrong and please don't take this post as me bashing these movies. I want it to be known right now that I'm a huge fan of these classic animated Disney films. The complete boldness of Walt Disney and his groundbreaking Snow White. The gorgeous art, colors and backgrounds of Sleeping Beauty. The Little Mermaid's appealing, cute characters and success of reviving the spirit of Disney animated features. I love them all.
With that said, there is one particular aspect of each of these films that my friends and I all hold extra dear to our hearts, mainly because it's so ridiculous (I'm talkin' to YOU, Jenny!). I'm of course talking about the pure lameness of the Disney Princes.
And what's wrong with the Disney Princes? Let's investigate!
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Art-wise, I guess the main problem is that the Princes in Disney movies are always extremely bland and generic designs (as if you couldn't get blander than the Princesses themselves). So while there's usually no character to them whatsoever, it's pretty funny that on top of that, the very first Disney Prince gets this slap in the face: No screentime, period.
Seriously, Prince Charming shows up for 1 minute at the beginning of the film and for 1 minute at the end of the film. That's IT. I wouldn't even consider that a supporting role!
Even the chipmunks get more screentime!
The character of The Prince always leaves more questions than answers. Who is this guy? Where does he come from? Is hanging out in the woods until you come across a lonely young woman singing into a wishing well a frequent hobby of yours? We may never know. Seriously, how creepy is the image below?
I think what happened was that Walt and his crew accidentally invented a prototype for the Ken doll. After all, this film was 22 years before Barbie was invented. I think they unleashed a monster!
Well you gotta admit, Prince Charming must of had something about him. Despite the fact that he and Snow haven't even exchanged NAMES, they apparently have enough true love between them to prove that true love's kiss is on their side all the way.
"It's all in the lips," he says! Sigh. And all these years, I've been doing it the hard way.
Then there's this guy: Prince Phillip. So what's wrong with him? Hmm, nothing that I can see... He seems a lot more stylized, a lot more of a character. And look, he's even got scenes where he does stuff! The Princess and the Prince having... chemistry? Who knew!
So what's the problem with him? Well, only one thing. One big thing. He's the exact opposite of Snow White's Charming. ...In a BAD way.
Whereas Prince Charming was an extreme side character, with only a few lines of dialogue, something very strange and unusual occurs in Sleeping Beauty. About halfway through the story, Prince Phillip COMPLETELY TAKES OVER THE FILM. Like 2,000% too much screentime. This is a Disney Princess movie and it isn't even about the Disney Princess!!
Okay okay, in all fairness the story of Sleeping Beauty is how the girl Aurora falls into a deep sleep spell, completely encompassing her consiousness and leaving her in this such state until her true love rescues and kisses her back to life. So, how could anyone possibly expect her to have a lot of appearances in the story?
But I wouldn't be so sure. I think the pacing of this film might have been presented a tad unsorted, and if some characters and scenes were paced differently, there would have been plenty of room for more scenes with the Princess (especially if they tossed about half of the Three Good Fairies' pointless scenes out). I say this because the last time I checked, "final battle" sequences usually only last within the last 5 or 7 minutes of a movie, right? Not the case here! Phillip's "final battle" against Maleficent is the ENTIRE second half of the movie!
It goes on and on and on. Running battling chasing horse-riding running battling chasing horse-riding running battling chasing horse-riding. Dragons.
Is it that big a deal? Well, it just turns out to be more of a movie about Prince Phillip than Sleeping Beauty, I suppose. Is that bad? Nah, just different. It's all good, doggs. Can't a brotha take the stage once in a while? BOOYA.
..Oh, welcome back to the film Aurora!
The Little Mermiad
What can you say about Ariel's Prince Eric?
Well, not a lot. I think the main reason is that compared to the film's other characters and scenes, Eric is slightly forgettable. It is good to mention however that, as a true first for Disney features, the film's directors and writers made it a point to try and break away from the traditional random prince with no past (or distinguishing facial features) and give this character, well, an actual character.
The problem isn't that this plan didn't work, it's just that Eric is completely eclipsed by the movie's other characters and scenes! To be frank Ariel and her underwater friends are simply much more interesting and fun as characters to this story.
Then compared to the Prince's parts.
Hmm. But I still wonder if it's true that Ariel's scenes are more interesting due to character and story. Could it be that her scenes are more interesting than the others simply because of-...
...oh uh, ahem. Simply because of-..... mm...
..because of... ehrm... yowza...
..Oh sorry, what was I saying?
Beauty and the Beast
Not a lot of faults here at all, because The Beast (transformed from a Prince) is actually a completely rounded and interesting aspect to the story. He has a past, he has a character's journey, you name it!
He's just an interesting, if not more so, as his Princess counterpart Belle.
Wow, he even has a fair length of "main character" screentime!
You guys, The Beast's character has a lot going for him! I think we might have found the one Disney Prince that works! He has it all!
He even has a happy ending where he transforms back into- OH MY GOD.
That's just... creepy. Okay, sorry. False alarm.
But folks, I've saved the best Disney Prince for last. The Disney Prince that is so bland, so cheesy, so incredibly DULL that your brain might explode. I'm talking, of course, about....
...Cinderella's Prince Charming.
Ho. Ly. Crap.
.....aaaaand this is pretty much all his does. In the entire film.
Oh my God, he actually bows for a second. Don't blink!
Every time we've watched this scene where you first see Prince Charming, we're just busting up laughing. He never talks. He just stands. Straight up and down. And bows. No facial expressions, no words. Not an eyebrow twitch. He looks like a Sims character!
I'm not just copying and pasting the same photo here. These are all separate screenshots from the movie!!
Every other character in this movie has a point except the Prince. I mean, his father gets a backstory! And way more screentime. His BUTLER gets more screentime!
This fucking cat gets more screentime!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the height of Disney Princeology. The most generic of the generic. The blandest of the bland. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.
So I commend YOU, Cinderella's Prince Charming! You've earned it. Take a bow!!
Thanks for reading. Now if you'll excuse me, some good friends and I are off to Disneyland for the entire weekend. Woot woot!